I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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