Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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