I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
