Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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