I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
