When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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