Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
