You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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