she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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