trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you didnt know i had herpes?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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