Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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