Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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