I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
