i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
