My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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