Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
