Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
