i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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