Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
