I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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