There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
