my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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