i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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