All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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