I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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