I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
