Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
