why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
