Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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