He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
barbara walters just said penis...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
