Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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