I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
