shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
