I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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