I'm going to jail i love you
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
