just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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