I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
