i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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