whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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