she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
