there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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