those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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