this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
