The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
