New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
