I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
