I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
