I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
