I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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