I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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