I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
