He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
