I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
