I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
