The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
