I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
