his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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