watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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