I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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